


follow you deep sea

by mercuryretrograte (brujadelmar)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Afterlife, Car Accidents, Consensual Possession, Dreams vs. Reality, Ghosts, Gore, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Memory Loss, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-08-04 04:58:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16340231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brujadelmar/pseuds/mercuryretrograte
Summary: Horror#: C89It had started as a joke with himself but the habit stuck to him.Now that he's an adult, moving to a better apartment, he decides to take a break from packing and leaf through some of his old diaries. What he reads in some of them is something horrifying he has no recollection of.





	follow you deep sea

**Author's Note:**

> Horror#: C89  
> Title: Follow you deep sea  
> Pairing: chansoo/kaisoo  
> Rating: Explicit  
> TW: Implied/Referenced Character Death, Gore, Implied Cheating, Possession, Trauma.

 

 

 

 

**ACT I**

 

It has two floors, Kyungsoo notices. He read that it had four rooms, but he somehow thought it could be smaller. The walls are beige and old, a bit dirty as time has passed. The door and the entry are on the right side, with a small staircase leading in. There are three big windows on the second floor and two at each side of the door. The flowers around the house are messy and unkept. It’s a pretty house and it feels cozy, even with the strong wind.

He hears Chanyeol jumping off the car.

“Wow, it’s big,” he says and Kyungsoo can hear his smile. “Do you think I can turn any of these rooms into a studio?”

“If you bring anything that makes noise to this house, I’ll kill you,” Kyungsoo says, unaffected. “In this place, your phone only vibrates.”

The wind makes a loud noise; Kyungsoo rubs his own arms. The windows need a good cleaning and the pipes too. Chanyeol passes by him, carrying a big box on his shoulder and bags in his hand. Kyungsoo looks back, at the long, green sight of the mud road. Their truck was solely bought for that – not in a million years Kyungsoo thought that he would have one. Chanyeol likes to drive it, at least.

“Do you want help?” Kyungsoo asks. They weren’t supposed to bring many things. They rented the house with the furniture. The last guest didn’t want to move them; Kyungsoo would never blame him. It would be a huge effort and, judging by the state that the house was, he wasn’t expecting new or modern things inside.

“No,” Chanyeol says, coming out with free hands. “I mean, I want you to organize the things, but I can carry them…”

He flexes, because it’s a habit. He’s proud of his body and Kyungsoo doesn’t mind anymore.

“I’ll go inside, then,” Kyungsoo says. “Don’t forget to bring the food.”

“Of course,” Chanyeol screams. Kyungsoo stands in the porch. He could see nothing but green. Big trees at the end of it. He breathes in; that’s all he wanted. He walks in and checks the house – long living room, a long deep blue couch covered by plastic. He turns the lights on, since the place wasn’t designed to rely on the windows only. There’s an old television on an old table and a really dusty carpet on the ground. There’s also another space, smaller, with a circular table and a cupboard made of dark wood and glass. Chanyeol comes in and drops a suitcase on the floor.

“Do you think that is real?” Kyungsoo asks, crossing his arms. By the reflection of the glass, he can see Chanyeol expecting the cups and glasses. His hair is a mess under the cap and his white, baggy t-shirt is dusty and dirty.

“Well, I think they aren’t,” he concludes, rubbing his hands on his rusty jeans. “They wouldn’t leave something expensive like that behind.”

“Maybe it was a gift,” Kyungsoo says absently, noticing the books inside. “They didn’t like to organize things, I guess. Maybe they got lazy.”

“Can’t blame them,” Chanyeol laughs and walks away. Kyungsoo keeps walking. The social bathroom is small, but clean and well projected. Kyungsoo holds his breath when he gets to the kitchen. It’s huge, open, with a long sink and cabinets. He touches the light brown walls and stares at the big window.

“Ah, of course, you’re there,” Chanyeol brings the food carefully. “Where do I put it?”

“In the sink,” Kyungsoo looks at him. “I’ll see if this fridge is working.”

Kyungsoo opens the fridge and he steps back immediately. Chanyeol lets out a loud laugh.

“They… killed someone here,” he says, waving the smell away and closing the door for Kyungsoo. “Now say, ‘thank you, Chanyeol, for putting the wine on the ice’.”

“I don’t care about the wine temperature. We’re eating lasagna. It doesn’t even match,” Kyungsoo says, waving the bad smell away. “I’ll go check upstairs. Bring our bedroom things in a plastic bag. We won’t put anything on without cleaning this mess.”

“Yeah,” Chanyeol nods. “Don’t worry.”

Kyungsoo checks the inside of the cabinets and under the sink; just air and dust. He leaves the kitchen and climbs the stairs – there are no frame marks on the beige walls, and the small, round window in the top of it allows little light to come in. The second floor seems smaller from the stairs view, but mostly because it’s four wide rooms and a beautiful, big bathroom in one of them. Everything is in a shade of brown; two are completely empty and two have beds and closets in it. Two single beds in one of them, and a big bed in the other. Kyungsoo looks under them, pushes them down to see if they’re in good state and opens the closets. Nothing but few old books. Kyungsoo sits on the bed cautiously and looks at the window.

The sky is gray and he feels a different spark. They are really doing that…

Chanyeol comes in, taking off his shirt.

“Can we take a shower?” He frowns. “Or do we have to wash the bathroom first?”

“You can do it, but you need to be very careful,” Kyungsoo says. “The house has been empty for almost a year. It could have spiders there.”

“I can’t believe I’m gonna do that, but I’m going to use flip flops to take a shower,” he laughs, looking around and wiping the sweat on his forehead. “Is that our room?”

“Probably,” Kyungsoo said. “If you want to share a bed. The other room seems to be for guests. Or maybe kids…”

Chanyeol kneels in front of Kyungsoo and rubs his thighs intently.

“We could test how much this bed can take tonight, right?” He uses his seductive voice.

“I don’t think that’s safe,” Kyungsoo raises one eyebrow. “This bed is pretty old…”

Chanyeol takes off Kyungsoo’s glasses and puts them on the bed.

“If this thing breaks, then we can buy another,” Chanyeol whispers. “It’s better if we know as soon as possible…”

“You just want to get your dick wet,” Kyungsoo argues. “You never listen to—”

Chanyeol kisses him and Kyungsoo kisses him back, grabbing his hair. They are both feeling euphoric, now that they have crossed this old phase of their life – there’s no problem being a bit reckless now. Chanyeol’s hands are inside of his shirt, rubbing his skin and Kyungsoo gets chills. Kyungsoo parts their kiss and breathes a little before warning,

“Take your shower first,” he complains. “We have things to do.”

“Let’s make out a bit,” Chanyeol whines. Kyungsoo pushes him a bit and grabs his glasses.

“We have the whole night,” Kyungsoo says. “And week, the month… we’ll have time for that. Did you close the door?”

“No,” Chanyeol says. “It’s not like there is someone to invade the house or…”

“I know,” Kyungsoo says. “But it could have snakes…”

“Fuck,” that makes Chanyeol stand up. “Okay!”

“I’ll close the door,” Kyungsoo says, putting on his glasses. “I need to fix things downstairs. Did you bring a soap? Or a towel?”

“God, is that how our life will be now? We’ll think about everything before climbing the stairs?”

“I guess,” Kyungsoo stands up and pushes him lightly. “Let’s go. I’m getting hungry.”

Kyungsoo gets downstairs and realizes that it’s going to be windier when the sun goes down. He closes the door and observes the steady, austere furniture in dark wood. He takes the plastic covering off them and touches them. The lights are working – the realtor must have taken care of their basic needs; the kitchen electronics are in good state too, working just fine. He picks the bag with their personal belongings and take it upstairs. He knocks on the bathroom door and waits until Chanyeol opens it.

“Afraid that the snakes are going to invade the bathroom?” Kyungsoo shows him the cleaning kit and the towel.

“No,” Chanyeol takes it. “But I don’t want to distract you with all of this…”

He points to his naked body. Kyungsoo snorts.

“Good luck,” he waves. “I’ll go after you.”

 Kyungsoo picks the rest of the bags and puts on the bed. Chanyeol brought too much, but this is no surprise. Kyungsoo told him to bring all he could find in their apartments that they wouldn’t find on the house. Chanyeol took his words a bit too seriously – he never knew the difference between trash and good things, he was an accumulator.

Clothes, shoes, hairbrush, documents, laptop… Kyungsoo takes one by one and carefully places on the bed, just to check if they forgot something. He has to use the cleaning spray on the nightstand to keep those things out of the bag. Kyungsoo picks a heavier bag. Chanyeol’s Japanese books, Kyungsoo’s sketchbooks, CDs and DVDs… Kyungsoo looks at it and puts them  again in the bag. He’s looking for his appointment notebook when he grabs an old sketch book. The cover is black and it’s torn and bruised.

He takes it and stares at it. Chanyeol opens the bathroom door and walks into the room, drying his hair.

“No spiders, but kind of dusty,” he says, looking down. “I’ll get the food ready if the microwave works, babe. Relax for now… tomorrow we—”

“Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo says. “Where did you find this?”

“This,” Chanyeol blinks, pushing his wet hair to see better. “The journals?”

“You brought more than one?” Kyungsoo frowns.

“I found near the vases,” Chanyeol said. “You told me not to bring the vases, but you said nothing about—”

Kyungsoo sighs. Yeah, he didn’t say to Chanyeol to avoid old things.

“What…?” Chanyeol pouts. “I thought it was important…”

“It is,” Kyungsoo nods. “I just forgot about it. But I guess I couldn’t just throw them away.”

“Are they trash?” Chanyeol asks, searching for clothes; Kyungsoo rubs the cover of the sketchbook. He and Chanyeol promised to leave the past behind. They were starting a new life – soon, they would live in a better place, a nice apartment that belonged to both of them. They were risking things now, erasing the bad memories.

“Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol snaps his fingers.

“Hi,” Kyungsoo blinks. “Sorry, no. They’re not. They’re my old sketchbooks… I used them as a journal—”

“You still do it, babe,” Chanyeol says in his being-patient-just-in-case-that-you-forgot. “I thought you wanted to keep it.”

“I don’t know,” Kyungsoo licks his lips. He shouldn’t keep them – it’s dumb teenager reminiscences. But at the same time, he couldn’t just leave them; someone could read it. “Maybe I’ll burn them later.”

“Yeah,” Chanyeol mumbles distracted. “I’ll be downstairs cooking.”

Kyungsoo opens the sketchbook—journal. It’s from eight years ago; at least, when he started. He couldn’t write much, mostly few sentences, even if he did it almost religiously when he was younger. He was—he is too succinct.

 

_Doh Kyungsoo. Age 16. I’m a student and this is my journal. If you find this, call (XXXX.XXXX) and return it to me. Thank you._

There’s a realistic drawing of a wolf just below the warning. He put his mother name on the corner.

He turns the page.

 

_16.06.09_

_I forgot my student id today. Went out to play games with my friends. My brother asked me to cook something. I have to study physics._

_17.06.09_

_I don’t like physics._

Kyungsoo smiles. High school was a torture. He keeps reading.

 

_13.07.09_

_Watched movies all day. I don’t like superhero movies, but my friends really like it._

_22.07.09_

_My head hurts badly. I can’t sleep._

_17.08.09_

_I have to keep writing. I need new shoes._

_29.09.09_

_They’re bothering me again._

_30.09.09_

_I had a nightmare. Couldn’t remember, but I think it was a car crash. Lots of blood._

_01.10.09_

_I like Halloween, but I don’t like cheap candies._

_11.10.09_

_I didn’t go to school. I wasn’t in the mood. My head hurts, they keep bothering me._

_18.10.09_

_My head hurts. I think I had a dream last night. My dog keeps howling to the moon._

“Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol screams, walking in. “Stop ignoring me…”

“What?” Kyungsoo blinks.

“I have been screaming your name a thousand times already…” He pouts. “Don’t pretend you didn’t hear.”

“Sorry, I was reading,” Kyungsoo says, pointing to the journal. “What happened?”

“There is a guy at the door. It’s a neighbor…” Chanyeol almost whispers. Kyungsoo leaves the sketchbooks in the bed and goes with him. The man in the door is short, simply dressed and he’s holding something. Kyungsoo rubs his hands on his pants before saying hello.

“Hello,” the man says cutely. He’s beautiful and has sharp features. “I’m Minseok… sort of your neighbor… if you walk… a lot.”

“Nice to meet you, I’m Kyungsoo,” Kyungsoo bows respectfully. “How can I help you?”

“Well, I was just talking to… Chanyeol, right?” Chanyeol nods eagerly to him. “I gave him my address… And I just wanted to greet you and kind of ask for a favor.”

“Yes?” Kyungsoo frowns.

“I have a cat named Tan and he wanders a lot,” Minseok takes the phone of his pocket and shows them the picture. “If he gets here, please don’t be mean to him.”

“Can we pet him?” Chanyeol asks with big eyes.

“Yeah, you can,” Minseok smiles. He looks young and soft; Kyungsoo wonders if he lives alone. “He’s super nice, that’s the problem. I understand if you don’t like cats and you don’t want them in your… space, so I can keep him locked while you are here, if you want to.”

“We don’t have problems with pets,” Kyungsoo says, smiling back. “If he gets here, we can warn you, but we won’t harm him in any way.”

Minseok sighs, relieved.

“Thank you,” he says, waving. “I won’t bother you anymore. If you need any help to walk around or to find things, just say ‘hello!’ and I’ll help you.”

“You can stay with us…” Kyungsoo says gently. “Chanyeol brought an entire lasagna and we have wine. We can’t use the fridge, so we can’t keep food yet. We would love to have you for dinner, if you want.”

Chanyeol stares at Kyungsoo; maybe he’s surprised that Kyungsoo was the one to invite, maybe he’s afraid of Minseok, but Kyungsoo has a good feeling about him. Minseok looks at them and nods.

“I would love to,” his eyes glow.

Kyungsoo gestures so he could enter the place. Chanyeol was already getting the table ready for two, so he runs to get another (plastic) cup and plate to their guest. Kyungsoo helps Minseok to get comfortable.

“Sorry, we haven’t cleaned yet,” he says. “We got lost on the way to here so it took a longer time than we expected.”

“No problem,” Minseok nods and he sits, watching the mess of Chanyeol running around to find their things. “I know the struggle…”

“Do you live here or you’re renting too?” Kyungsoo asks, sitting down.

“Both, I think,” Minseok says. “I live here, but it’s not my propriety. It’s from my aunt and since no one was using the place, I’m staying. It’s the yellow house, you probably passed by it on your way.”

“Yeah, we did,” Chanyeol says, holding the bottle of wine. “I told Kyungsoo that it was lovely.”

“Yeah, it was her spring house. She doesn’t want to sell because it’s important to her, but it was unkept. People don’t come to these places anymore… They want to leave the country to have vacations. I was surprised when I knew that young people have rented this place. The last people here were a full family with five kids. They were a loud mess.”

“Really?” Chanyeol looks around. “Ah, yeah. The place was with no one for a long time. I wish there are child stuff. At least would make a happier sight.”

“Don’t worry,” Minseok smiles. “Every house seems a bit sad when it’s empty. How long are you going to stay?”

“We’re planning to stay for a month,” Kyungsoo says, ordering the things on the table. “But we aren’t sure yet. It’s our first vacation in a long time.”

“Ever, Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol finally opens the bottle. “Our first vacation ever.”

“Ah, I was going to ask, but I haven’t introduced myself yet… Kim Minseok, writer,” he says simply. “I do work at home and I live with my cat, mostly because my boyfriend lives in another country.”

Chanyeol looks like he’s about to drop the bottle and Kyungsoo is just staring; it came so easily that they were left with no words. Minseok looks at them, amused and confused at the same time.

“Sorry… I just said because I thought that you two were a couple… did I read wrong?”

“No,” Chanyeol says immediately. “But… we don’t… talk about it…”

“It’s one of the reasons why we chose this place,” Kyungsoo relaxes – this is why he felt ease in the presence of Minseok. “We wanted privacy and we can’t have it at home.”

“That was my first bet when they said that two young men were going to stay,” Minseok winks. “I wouldn’t share about my boyfriend if I wasn’t feeling comfortable.”

They share a knowingly smile. The winds are shaking the open window and Chanyeol closes it before he pours wine in the plastic cups.

“So what do you do?” Minseok asks.

“Right now, we do nothing,” Chanyeol laughs. “And we met before we were born…”

“Chanyeol works with music technology and I’m a barista. Actually, we were both baristas, but we left our jobs,” Kyungsoo explains. “I received some money from my family and we dropped out of our jobs. We’re still deciding what to do.”

“Kyungsoo never tells what he really does,” Chanyeol brings the lasagna. “He’s an artist. He draws comics.”

“It’s just a hobby… I’ve always worked with other things…” Kyungsoo explains shyly. “I’ve never published or actually stud—”

“That’s because we were broke,” Chanyeol laughs. He serves a generous slice of the lasagna and melted cheese falls on the table. “We were working a lot to get some money, never stopping… until now. I can’t really believe I’ll get to sleep a full night.”

“Really? My life is kind of the opposite,” Minseok giggles. “I’ve been here for the past two years, most people can’t really believe I’m wasting my late twenties locked away in an old house, but I enjoy being at home.”

“Late twenties, huh?” Chanyeol finally sits. “He’s older than us, Kyungsoo.”

“Not stressing in traffic every day does wonderful things for the skin,” Minseok laughs and he sips the wine. “How did you two met?”

“Before we were born,” Chanyeol says, cutting his lasagna. “It’s destiny.”

“Our mothers became friends while they were pregnant, we’re only two months apart,” Kyungsoo says simply because he doesn’t like to go further in that subject. “What do you do around here?”

“Normally I don’t leave home,” Minseok explains. “But when I have to do something, there’s a village near here, I go to buy things and solve any problems. I have friends there…”

“We passed by,” he mumbles. “We only asked for information.”

“It’s not a big place,” Minseok nods. “But you will have to buy some stuff, so it’s the nearest… I’m afraid we are a boring neighbor. You’ll probably get bored by two weeks.”

“I won’t,” Kyungsoo says. “But Chanyeol will.”

“Yeah,” Chanyeol says, but he contains a laugh. “But maybe this place has some… benefits.”

Kyungsoo feels the urge to change the subject.

“Why did you come to warn about your cat?” He asks gently. “Did you have trouble before… with guests?”

Minseok swings his cup of wine with the tips of his fingers. The weak light of the kitchen falls over his eyes.

“Tan is my second cat,” he says in a quiet voice. “I rescued a street cat before him and someone poisoned him. He was wandering, so it could have been anyone, really.”

Chanyeol almost dropped his fork. Kyungsoo tries his best to apologize.

“I’m sorry,” he says gently. “I didn’t mean to bring bad memories back.”

“Don’t worry,” Minseok shrugs. “The thing is that we can’t protect what we love from life, not even far away from the city. Bad things are everywhere…”

“Yes,” Kyungsoo agrees. He’s the one with bad memories now. “You’re right.”

“So, what do you write?” Chanyeol asks and Kyungsoo knows he’s also trying to run away. “The books?”

“Oh,” Minseok smiles. “I can’t say. I’m a ghost writer.”

“Really?” Chanyeol is excited. “Wow, amazing!”

“It’s actually depressing,” Minseok points. “One of my books received an award, but… I wasn’t the one to get it.”

“I like this, somehow,” Kyungsoo considers. “It must be comforting not to have to deal with critics or people. The main reason I dropped the job is that I couldn’t stand them anymore.”

Minseok laughs. His laugh is high pitched, soulful. Kyungsoo eats and listens how Chanyeol and their guest talk for hours. It’s easy to talk to Minseok and Kyungsoo didn’t expect their first night there being like that, but he’s glad that they don’t feel so lonely. Minseok doesn’t eat much, but he drinks easily, which makes them apprehensive to let him go driving by himself.

“You can stay,” Kyungsoo insists. “There is space. It won’t be a problem…”

“No,” Minseok says. “I’m not drunk. I have strong resistance and I’ll drive slowly. I do that all the time.”

“Yet,” Chanyeol says. “It’s dark. We could go with you.”

“No,” Minseok repeats. “I’ll be good. Thank you, really.”

Kyungsoo waits until Minseok sends them a message ‘I’m home’ to take a bath. It’s late and he has to remind himself that he has no work in the morning. He stares at the long mirror in the wall just for a second; he still looks tired.

 

 

Chanyeol leaves the windows open; the bed headboard keeps crashing against the wood wall and making this annoying noise. The movement presses the mattress down, but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to break.

“You can let your voice out, baby,” Chanyeol whispers to him with his wine-scented breath. “No one is here to listen…”

Kyungsoo moves his hip higher, his legs bent around him and looked up. It was a bad habit. They needed to do it silently, late at night, when his neighbors were too asleep to notice Chanyeol there. Always too fast, silent, hidden. Kyungsoo’s body wasn’t accustomed with this new freedom.

He lets out a long, loud moan and Chanyeol smiles, satisfied.

“That’s beautiful,” he says, and Kyungsoo thinks the same thing. They kiss briefly, hips moving out of their control. Kyungsoo holds Chanyeol’s arm, the feet are scratching the ground.

“I love you,” Kyungsoo blurts out. At this point, he’s not thinking about anything.

“I love you more,” Chanyeol whispers back.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo wakes up with the sun in his eyes. He is used to living in the basement and he never had this feeling before. He rubs his face and moves Chanyeol’s heavy arm off his belly. The thin blanket is wrapped around their legs and Kyungsoo contemplate their naked bodies for a moment before getting out of the bed. Chanyeol is deep asleep, Kyungsoo knows pretty well that he’s exhausted. He walks around looking for clothes and kicks something.

It’s the sketchbook.

Kyungsoo picks it up and takes it with him when he gets in the kitchen, looking for the food in the bag. They only have cookies and tea bags, so Kyungsoo doesn’t have much work – the electric stove works pretty well and he boils the water very fast.

Kyungsoo sits to eat and read.

 

_21.10.09_

_My mother cooked a delicious omurice today. I’ll learn how to cook one myself._

_28.10.09_

_I had trouble on my way home today. The bothering kids were around. Youngnam tried to pick a fight with me, but I just glared at him. I don’t know why the kids are so afraid of me, but I like that they leave me alone._

_30.10.09_

_Chanyeol, Jongin, Baekhyun and Jongdae came to visit me, because I couldn’t go to school today. My head hurts and I don’t feel good. They brought me food._

_31.10.09_

_I couldn’t go to a party today, so Jongin stayed with me._

_01.11.09_

_I can’t forget to do laundry._

_21.11.09_

_I dreamed about a car crash again and it was definitely with Youngnam._

_22.11.09_

_I keep remembering the dream. A piece of his face rolled away from the car._

 

“Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol calls him. Kyungsoo blinks many times and looks up.

“Yes,” Kyungsoo says automatically.

“Babe, you’re pale,” Chanyeol laughs and he sounds nervous. He’s using pants and sneakers like he didn’t just leave the bed. “What are you eating?”

“The cookies. I made tea…” Kyungsoo grabs the mug; it’s cold. “Oh…”

“I’ll get some, but I think I’m going to drive around and see the places,” Chanyeol dresses a coat, stealing one of Kyungsoo’s cookies. “Wanna come with me…?”

“No, I have to clean the house,” Kyungsoo says. “Bring something for me, I won’t have time to cook…”

He nods, munching. Chanyeol isn’t a big fan of cleaning or organizing – Kyungsoo knows he prefers the heavy work, not the detailed. He kisses Kyungsoo with his dirty mouth before picking the car keys. Kyungsoo watches him go and drinks the cold tea.

 

 

 

 

Cleaning the house is something that he enjoys doing, but the house is a little too big to do everything in a single day. Kyungsoo dusts off the place, cleans the shelves and the cabinets, under the beds and inside the closets. He picks the books around the place and piles them on the table. He changes the bedsheet, washes every part of the bathroom until there’s no space for spiders to hide.

Chanyeol comes when Kyungsoo is cleaning and opening the windows. He’s full of bags.

“Hey,” Chanyeol smiles, locking Kyungsoo is his arms (and bags). “Give me a kiss, I brought food and beer.”

They eat together, drink and take a bath – not exactly just a bath, touching each other and kissing inside the bathtub. The windows are wide open.

Sleeping in the bed with the wind hitting his face is new; Kyungsoo enjoys it, touching Chanyeol’s wide back while he sleeps. He thinks about the sketchbook. He hasn’t written in his current one in a while. He should get back to it. Kyungsoo doesn’t have the best memory and life made it worse; after all, who quite remembers what they used to think every day a decade ago?

 

 

He dreams about Jongin.

He’s sitting in class, but it’s not like he was as a teenager. He’s taller, broader and Kyungsoo stares at him in disbelief. He turns to him and stares at Kyungsoo, smiling.

“Missed you,” he says simply and lets out a soundful laughter.

 

 

“I missed you too,” Kyungsoo says when he opens his eyes. He wakes up alone and he just has to leave the bed to see the little note.

_I’m running around and exercising, fattie!_

Kyungsoo smiles and finally has time to put every single thing in their place. He also has time to cook, but maybe he’s procrastinating drawing. He finishes his meal and Chanyeol hasn’t returned yet, so he tries to draw a little. He can’t – his arms hurt. Kyungsoo picks his old sketchbook and turn the first pages, annoyed. He stops when he finds a realistic and detailed drawing of a torn arm, cut in many places, tiny pieces of glass on it; blood all around. He sighs. He was so creative when he was younger.

Kyungsoo hears someone coming.

“Hello,” Chanyeol says, all sweaty. “I walked… a lot…”

He’s carrying a box and he gives it to Kyungsoo.

“I just stopped walking when I reached Minseok’s house,” Chanyeol says, throwing his body on the couch. “It’s really pretty there. He said that you should visit him.”

“Oh,” Kyungsoo nods. “I will.”

“He gave me this pie,” Chanyeol points to the box. “I wish I could stay longer, but I knew I wouldn’t have the strength to walk all the way back if I sat down.”

Kyungsoo opens the box. The pie smells delicious. Kyungsoo makes a mental note to pick a day to visit Minseok – it’s been years since he reserved a little time to make new friends.

 

 

 

 

Chanyeol is using the notebook, sitting on bed. His glasses are way too big, but he liked that style. He’s probably studying, because he’s serious and that’s not how he is normally.

“ _Kyō wa kurasu ga mittsu arimasu_ ,” he mumbles. Kyungsoo was right. “Mittsu!”

Kyungsoo smiles. He thinks Chanyeol looks cute when he’s focused, like a kid. He should be sleeping, but even being tired like that, Kyungsoo knows that his body is also used to be moving all the time.

Kyungsoo sits next to him, sketchbook in hands.

“Hello,” Chanyeol turns to him, leaning for a kiss. Kyungsoo kisses him slowly but doesn’t let it become anything else.

“Go study,” Kyungsoo says. “You don’t have an excuse anymore.”

“You’re distracting, that’s my excuse,” Chanyeol rubs Kyungsoo’s belly. “What are you doing?”

“Reading those old journals,” he says. “Sketchbooks-journals… I don’t know.”

“Do you talk about me in those?”

“Sometimes,” Kyungsoo nods. “But until now, just dropping names.”

Chanyeol laughs. They don’t discuss much of their student years. Their love life started as adults, so it feels like it was just a preparation. Kyungsoo just looked at Chanyeol as one of his best friends and he used to think it was mutual.

“If you want any other memories, check your email,” Chanyeol says and he’s using a cautious tone. “They send us the invitation to the ten years of high school party.”

“It’s been ten years since we got into high school?” Kyungsoo says. “I can’t believe it.”

“Yeah, I think Baekhyun is actually organizing the party,” Chanyeol corrects himself. “Funding.”

“Probably,” Kyungsoo nods. Baekhyun keeps finding ways to meet them; it’s been a long time since they spent some time together. He spreads his body on the bed, enjoying the feeling, then covers himself with a blanket. Chanyeol laughs and kisses him on the cheek.

“Cute.”

“Shut up and go study,” Kyungsoo says, picking his glasses and opening the sketchbook. “I’m going to read.”

“Fine,” Chanyeol goes back to his notebook. “Don’t come begging for my kisses later.”

Kyungsoo ignores him and reads, rubbing his feet on Chanyeol’s cold ones. There’s a time break of almost a year. It’s 2010.

_11.06.10_

_Today I bought new pens and a sketchbook. Sorry for forgetting this one._

 

Kyungsoo reads the next two pages and it’s just talking about daily, small things to remember. Kyungsoo turns the page again and there’s a drawing of the sea; he suddenly remembers that he drew it when he was at the beach.

“Why didn’t I write this back in 2010,” Kyungsoo says out loud, without noticing.

“We were busy…” Chanyeol answers immediately, the light of the notebook on his face. “Don’t you remember? Training.”

That’s all he has to say. Kyungsoo nods and closes the notebook, placing it carefully on the nightstand. He stays in the bed – yeah, it’s true. He was seventeen and he barely remembered those years – his life was only a true, full life after he graduated. If he could call that a “true life”, of course. He stares at the ceiling and thinks about those lost years of his life.

“Oh, I forgot,” Chanyeol mumbles. Kyungsoo takes a look at his screen; he’s not studying. There’s an online invitation with gifs.

“Forgot about what?”

“The memory section name…” Chanyeol frowns, almost whispering. “I forgot that… it wasn’t just Jongin.”

“What?” Kyungsoo looks at him. “What do you mean?”

Chanyeol looks at Kyungsoo as if he’s regretting the whole conversation. They promised to start new, but the house and the month away do sound likes a passage, so Kyungsoo wants to listen. There’s nothing about Jongin that can harm him anymore.

“Do you remember Youngnam?” Chanyeol says, taking off his glasses. “Tiny guy, angry and annoying.”

“Yes,” Kyungsoo says.

“Died in a car crash after graduating,” Chanyeol mumbles. “I just found out from his mother. He was living overseas.”

Kyungsoo stares at him for a moment.

“Ah,” he says. “That’s sad.”

“His name and a couple of our classmates are here,” Chanyeol licks his lips and his expression is sad. “So weird, this feeling.”

Kyungsoo understands. They’re not old, but life is cruel and doesn’t care about that.

“Stop reading this,” Kyungsoo mumbles. “We aren’t going, so.”

“I want to see the boys,” Chanyeol complains.

“We will, eventually,” Kyungsoo turns in bed and closes his eyes. “Don’t worry about it.”

 

 

He dreams of a long pool. He swims in it, lets his body relax, and looks up. The clouds are slowly blocking the sun and he stands up to leave the pool. The water is darker, almost grey. He moves around and it gets black.

 

Kyungsoo wakes up with a headache.

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

“I’m sorry if I came unexpected,” Kyungsoo touches one of the flowers gently. The garden around the house is so colorful; it contrasts with the bright yellow of the walls. “Chanyeol wanted to do groceries on his own. It’s the first time we are living alone, so for us, it’s a lot of first times.”

“I can imagine,” Minseok nods. His sky-blue shirt has little paw stamps. “Don’t worry. It’s always nice to have guests. I rarely have one, only when my boyfriend visits me and it’s just twice, thrice a year…”

Kyungsoo looks around, and his eyes stop in the wood balcony, just above the walls.

“The walls keep this place warmer,” he observes. “Yet, it must feel lonely to live this way.”

“I like silence,” Minseok says. “But sometimes I travel to see my friends. And to spend time with my sister. Do you have siblings?”

“A brother,” Kyungsoo says. “He paid for the house, actually.”

“He must be a good brother.”

He is, Kyungsoo thinks. He even said ‘take Chanyeol with you’, like he wanted Kyungsoo to know that he knew about them.

“He has money and so his wife,” Kyungsoo nods. “Our grandpa died this year and left us some money. He gave me his part, because he didn’t need it.”

“That’s fair,” Minseok smiles. He guides Kyungsoo to the back of the house. “I value people who take good care of his loved ones.”

Kyungsoo touches the plants. They’re well kept and soft; he wishes he knew how to take care of them, so he could have a garden of his own.

“Do your close friends live in another country?” He asks.

“Yes,” Minseok rubs his dusty jeans. “I studied abroad.”

“I see,” Kyungsoo nods. “A great excuse to avoid reunions. It’s a pain in the ass.”

Minseok laughs, shaking his whole body.

“Well, I never thought about that, but yeah. Chanyeol told me you two did high school together. Are you afraid that your ex-classmates…?”

“No,” Kyungsoo walks again. There are plantings growing on the wood gate and he opens it absently. “It’s not because of that.”

There’s an ample green space just like in their place. The sun is out today, but it’s not so windy, probably because of the trees and the wall, blocking the movement. Minseok is an empathic person, Kyungsoo notices. He’s waiting.

“We used to be trainees,” Kyungsoo says, looking far away. “Me, Chanyeol and our friends.”

“Wanted to be a popstar?”

“I wanted to act, but I had a good voice. I mean. I have,” Kyungsoo licks his lips. “I don’t sing anymore, but I was very good.”

“You do sound good,” Minseok says and it’s ironic because thinks that his voice is like a caress. “But it’s a tough life. My trainee friends dropped their dream. My boyfriend too. He has a business degree, now.”

Kyungsoo looks at him. What a coincidence.

“We didn’t drop out of exhaustion,” he explains. “One of our friends died.”

Minseok only looks at him, shocked. Kyungsoo can hear birds singing, somewhere.

“He started earlier than us, when he was a kid. He kept overworking and exhausted,” Kyungsoo keeps walking and Minseok follows him. “He was feverish all the time. I used to cook him soup and he always visited me, because I used to have headaches and we spent the whole day sleeping or watching movies. He was brilliant, a gifted artist.”

Kyungsoo takes a breath – it’s been a long time since he told someone that.

“One day, one of his sisters came to wake him up in the morning and he wasn’t responding,” Kyungsoo hears his own voice breaking. “They took him to the hospital, but it was too late. His body gave up. He was seventeen.”

“I think I’ve heard this before,” Minseok frowns. “Wasn’t he Byun Baekhyun’s friend?”

“Well, we all were,” Kyungsoo sighs. “We are.”

“But Baekhyun… didn’t drop,” Minseok is confused.

“He did,” Kyungsoo turns to him. “For a few months. It was too sad for us to continue immediately. But he came back later and he debuted after a year. He was the only one who did it, from my group of friends.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Minseok seems to realize what happened. “It must have been very traumatic.”

Was it? Kyungsoo asks himself. He felt nothing but emptiness. It was like Kyungsoo was waiting for Jongin to come back from a really long travel and he was always delaying. It didn’t feel real back then, not even when Kyungsoo faced his dead body and watched how Jongin’s beautiful sun-kissed skin was pale as marble. Chanyeol was crying and refusing to move, Baekhyun couldn’t talk and Jongdae was infinitely sad. Kyungsoo couldn’t shed a tear. He thought about drawing during the funeral.

“It was a warning,” Kyungsoo says. “For all of us. You can see how it may be depressing to reunite.”

“Yes,” Minseok nods. “It’s something that never leaves us.”

A silence falls for a while – Kyungsoo enjoys it because it seems respectful.

“I ate your pie,” he says finally, after a while. “It was delicious, thank you.”

“Oh, I have more if you want to.”

“I would like that,” Kyungsoo says.

Minseok’s house is even cozier inside. There are pillows everywhere and despite living with so much nature around the place, it was immaculate clean. He offers Kyungsoo soft shoes and a warm tea, served on a cute rounded table. The colors of the furniture beige and the house smelled to cinnamon.

“It’s so relaxing here,” Kyungsoo smiles. “You created the right place to write…”

“Yeah, it helps me,” Minseok looks around. “Right now, I’m writing a biography… a “self”-biography.”

Both snorts.

“I have to pretend I’m dumber than I am,” Minseok adds. Kyungsoo manages to sip the tea while drinking. It’s cinnamon tea – now Kyungsoo understands the smell. He looks down and watches the red water in the beautiful mug.

“I hope you’re having fun,” Kyungsoo nods. A soft meow comes from near and Kyungsoo gets startled.

“It’s just Tan. He woke up to his fourth snack of the day,” Minseok says. A white-and-grey cat with clear blue eyes approaches them. It stares at Kyungsoo curiously. “He’s a friend, Tan-nie! Be nice.”

Tan walks to Kyungsoo and sniffs him.

“He thinks he’s a dog,” Minseok explains. “A dog raised him as a baby.”

Kyungsoo laughs.

“Hello, Tan,” he says, but Tan passes around him and sits, bored.

“He’s comfortable around you,” Minseok points. “A good sign.”

“I hope so,” Kyungsoo smiles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

Chanyeol is listening to an old, repetitive song on repeat. The smell of coffee is strong and Kyungsoo is distracted, drawing in the new sketchbook. It feels weird, to have nothing to do but you want to; it’s scary.

“What are we going to do when we leave?” He asks.

“I thought we had a month to figure out that, babe,” Chanyeol says, his fingers moving with the song. “But you know what I want to do.”

A big city, far away from home, starting from zero. Kyungsoo isn’t a fan of that idea. He needs stability and he can’t trust his work yet.

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo stops drawing. “I think we won’t last a month… it’s too much time.”

“Stop thinking with your old mind setting,” Chanyeol complains. “If you want to work, you got your things here. Create a comic so you can show it to the world.”

Tomorrow, Kyungsoo promises to himself. Tomorrow he’ll start. He stands up to grab more coffee and Chanyeol stops him, holding him by the waist.

“If we get bored, I have things I want to do,” he says suggestively. “Lots of things.”

Kyungsoo pushes him playfully out of the way and picks his coffee mug. Chanyeol doesn’t complain, because he’s also thinking about important things. Kyungsoo knows his expressions pretty well. Kyungsoo looks around and finds his old sketchbook, the black used one.

 

_11.12.10_

_I’m still having bad dreams._

_22.12.10_

_Christmas is coming, I wasn’t_

_28.12.10_

_I don’t like to go to school._

_11.01.11_

_I’ll be eighteen in few hours. I hope that I get some cake. My friends promise to give me me a present._

_12.01.11_

_They gave me money so I could buy new things to buy. My mom bought me cake and I went to the movies. It was a really fun day. My head doesn’t hurt, so I’m happy._

 

Life was simple back then, Kyungsoo thinks. He turns the pages and finds that he glued some papers on it. He carefully removes them and when he opens, he finds his drawings. Kyungsoo feels a sight of relief; it was good that he didn’t just threw it away, because he would lose his old drawings. He forgot he kept them.

“Look,” Kyungsoo points and Chanyeol moves to see what it is. “It’s you.”

“Oh,” Chanyeol jumps off the couch to hold it. “I remember it! You asked us to pose… Ah, I look cute. All the boys…”

Kyungsoo touches the drawing. Yes, every one of them.

“Are there more…?” Chanyeol asks.

“I guess,” Kyungsoo turns the pages. He finds some, glued to the pages like the others. “I think I did that because I was avoiding to write.”

“Oh, look, it’s your mom… your old comic strips,” Chanyeol smiles and he looks genuinely happy. “Your house… wow, this one is amazing.”

“Huh?” Kyungsoo stares. “Which one?”

Chanyeol waves a little paper. Kyungsoo takes and examines. It’s a car, tuned down, a tire missing. A pool of blood is escaping it and there are fingers on it.

“Spooky,” Chanyeol laughs. “Did you take that out of your mind? Look at those details… and it’s not even a big drawing.”

Kyungsoo stared at it. He remembers that he drew it, but can’t remember why or how. Normally, he used models.

“It must be some internet picture,” Kyungsoo says. “I don’t know how to draw the human body like this just by memory…”

The drawing has intricated details that Kyungsoo couldn’t even picture it alone. He was pretty sure that it had guts against one of the broken windows.

“Well, I don’t think I’ve seen a picture like this on the normal internet,” Chanyeol giggles. “I’ve seen horrific stuff like that when I’ve had to access the deep web to buy music software. Have you been on those sites with pictures of real dead people?”

“No,” Kyungsoo says, annoyed. “I would never do such a thing.”

“Back then it was easier to find shit like that…”

Kyungsoo folds the drawing. He wasn’t a fan of this type of conversation. Chanyeol ignores it too, focusing on the other drawings. Kyungsoo drinks his coffee and looks for more written things. He reads the rest of the sketch book; Chanyeol changes the album playing two or three times. There are no other drawings glued and Kyungsoo just describes his daily schedule until October. He knows pretty well why he stops at October, so he closes the sketchbooks.

“I think I can throw this in the garbage,” Kyungsoo considers. “How many sketchbooks did you grab?”

“I don’t know, two, three?” Chanyeol asks. “There weren’t many.”

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo nods. He used the same sketchbook as a journal for years. He had no time for drawing or writing, anyway. “Want to go to bed?”

“We don’t need to go to the bed,” Chanyeol looks at him and that’s all it takes. Kyungsoo is still a bit alert, but he likes the idea of using the couch, of not having to move to be safe. They make out slowly, not in a hurry and each piece of clothing slips easily between kisses. Kyungsoo tries not to be tense about hickeys and marks, enjoying the skin touch. Chanyeol walks around naked and hard, looking for lube and Kyungsoo thinks that’s probably fucked up that they only get to experience this freedom so late in life. He gets anxious, thinking about how they can be like this always; the two of them, having a life together. Maybe it’s not bad to restart life. 

Kyungsoo makes noises with the wind, taking time to admire their tangled bodies. He sits on Chanyeol and moves slowly, goosebumps from the wind, letting the music play.

 

 

 

He dreams of swimming in a pool of cinnamon tea, red and burning.

 

 

 

 

The next two days are calm – Kyungsoo finally gets to draw and Chanyeol walks around a lot, exercising and singing. They watch movies and eventually, they talk to their families. To break that calm, boring atmosphere, they accept Minseok’s invitation to have dinner. Minseok has a friend over and they are excited because they have never been to a dinner as a couple. Chanyeol drives to the village so they can buy something for their host. Kyungsoo finally gets to see how it looks like a small town like that closely. Kyungsoo lets Chanyeol do the talking; he just checks things. He plays with a small dog in the street and enjoys just being a foreigner.

 

The dinner is so well done that Kyungsoo feels better since they brought wine.

“This is Yixing,” Minseok introduces them to a pale, beautiful man. He’s using expensive clothes and makeup, Kyungsoo notices. “He’s my friend.”

“Nice to meet you,” Chanyeol and Kyungsoo are in sync. Minseok snorts.

“Nice to meet you,” Yixing says gently, leaning his head and smiling. “I’m glad to see that Minseok has new friends and he’s not a hermit anymore.”

“They’re just staying for a month,” Minseok points. “I’ll be back to talking to ghosts soon. By the way, I wanted to introduce you to Yixing, Chanyeol. He’s a producer.”

Chanyeol’s face lights up. Kyungsoo knows that he’ll talk about the same thing for the rest of the day. Yixing is actually very patient and he listens to them while they’re eating. Sometimes, Kyungsoo has to intervene to ask Yixing small things.

“Minseok’s pet name was Baozi,” Yixing tells them, eating one. “He was so funny, with big cheeks. Now he’s too muscular, but he’s still cute.”

“Stop telling them embarrassing things,” Minseok complains. “You’re a traitor!”

“Ah, don’t worry,” Kyungsoo points to Chanyeol’s ear. “Chanyeol’s was Yoda.”

Minseok laughs hard and Yixing giggles. There’s something about him, Kyungsoo notices. Something clear and calm.

Chanyeol ends up pestering Yixing with questions and Kyungsoo offers to help Minseok with the dishes.

“I’m worried,” Minseok says, looking at the window. “Tan is wandering again.”

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Kyungsoo tries to cheer him up. “Cats are way smarter than people.”

“Probably,” Minseok tries to smile. “Since I had to bury my old cat, I am terrified.”

Kyungsoo watches Minseok washing the cups.

“Have you ever accessed the deep web?” Kyungsoo asks.

Minseok turns to him, amused.

“What kind of question is this?”

“I don’t know,” Kyungsoo says. “Writers have to research…”

“Actually, by the wide definition, is that how people find my work,” Minseok says. “I can’t just put it in a regular site that I write things so people can put their name on it. In some cases, it’s a crime. Not that I do the bad stuff as writing thesis or things like that, but staying away from the public searches is the best way.”

“I see,” Kyungsoo nods.

“I suppose you want to ask something,” Minseok says quietly. Kyungsoo feels weird to do it, but he takes the drawing – he brought it for a reason.

“Here,” Kyungsoo unfolds it and show him.

“Wow,” Minseok says. “Nice drawing. Very realistic. You did it?”

“Yes,” Kyungsoo nods. “Where I can find pictures like that?”

Kyungsoo expects Minseok to judge him. Minseok just seems to consider.

“The dark web is the right place,” Minseok nods. “They have all sorts of content with accidents like that. I went to a site to research about body decomposition. I mean, I watched some documentaries about it, but there they have better pictures.”

“Can you help me accessing it?” Kyungsoo asks. “I don’t want Chanyeol to know.”

“Of course,” Minseok nods. “You two are giving me major inspiration to write. I’m working on an original after years of writer’s block.”

“Really?” Kyungsoo smiles genuinely. “And you can tell about what it is?”

“Let’s say that it’s about the past,” Minseok giggles.

 

 

Yixing insists that he should drive them home – Chanyeol is visibly drunk. Kyungsoo refuses.

“I just drank a glass,” he explains. “I can drive.”

“Oh, my,” Minseok mocks. “How the tables have turned.”

“I’m fine,” Chanyeol says. He’s not. “But Kyungsoo can drive. He’s a good driver, better than me.”

Kyungsoo appreciates his worry, but he drives anyway. Minseok needs privacy to be with a friend he hasn’t seen in a while and he’s not going to interrupt that. Chanyeol isn’t worried and they get on the truck – Kyungsoo needs ten minutes to adjust the seating.

“Sorry, babe,” Chanyeol snorts.

Kyungsoo ignores him. He’s sleepy and he wants to get home soon. He drives carefully, but attentive. Chanyeol is rambling about work and how he wants to meet people, but Kyungsoo focuses on the road. There’s no light on the way and his heart is beating too fast. When they get home, his hands are shaking. Chanyeol notices.

“Hey,” he grabs Kyungsoo’s right hand. “Are you okay?”

Kyungsoo takes his hand off Chanyeol’s hold and leaves the car. Chanyeol follows him.

“Kyungsoo,” he almost screams. He gets louder when he’s drunk. “Kyungsoo!”

Kyungsoo looks for the keys on his pocket. He’s trying to understand why is he so nervous. He opens the door and turns on the lights. Chanyeol screams behind him. Kyungsoo takes a moment to understand.

It’s Tan. He’s quietly sitting on the window.

“Oh, God, it’s just a cat,” Chanyeol mumbles. “You scared me, little fella…”

“Go to bed, Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo says, angry. “You’re drunk.”

“Why are you like that,” Chanyeol pouts. “Is it because of me…?”

Kyungsoo rubs his face and closes the door behind them. Chanyeol leans his head so he can press their foreheads together.

“Sorry,” Kyungsoo says. “I’m sleepy.”

“Let’s go to bed and cuddle,” Chanyeol smiles, dimples showing. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Kyungsoo says.

 

 

He dreams of the road. He’s driving, but it isn’t Chanyeol who’s next to him. It’s a tall, blonde girl, laughing. Kyungsoo is drunk. There’s someone in the backseat, laughing. The person reclines and says something loud, right in Kyungsoo’s ear. Kyungsoo closes his eyes like a reflex. His vision gets red and his hands leave the wheel.

Kyungsoo looks at the reflex of the broken window. There’s a hand outside, broken fingers that still move by reflex. His face is smashed, a piece of his cranium out, like a puzzle, hanging off. He can hear little-muffled moans of agony continuously.

Kyungsoo stares at himself, but it’s not him.

 

 

He’s outside.

He’s seeing the whole thing. He squats down and watches how they live the last seconds of their lives. The small pool of blood gets bigger and bigger… and bigger…

 

 

Kyungsoo wakes up.

The light is hitting the bed, right over them. Chanyeol is sleeping quietly, still in the same shirt. He’ll have a hangover. They’re not teenagers anymore. Kyungsoo gets off the bed and walks until he finds the old sketchbook. He passes the pages, one by one and then closes it. He looks for the others.

The red one.

He bought it when they were traveling. Kyungsoo needed to write back, his memory wasn’t good.

 

_This belongs to Do Kyungsoo. Please return to the owner._

 

Not the wolf anymore. Kyungsoo’s obsessions drawing wolves ended soon. It was a fish.

 

_02 May 2013_

_Went to the store to buy Baekhyun a gift and I found this sketchbook. It’s my new journal since the others aren’t in a good state, I have been careless with them. I’m going to have a sleepover in Chanyeol’s house tonight. Must not forget to call my brother to warn about that._

_07 May 2013_

_It’s getting warmer and my throat hurts. I don’t want to get sick, so I must buy ginger to make a tea later. I’ll take two turns today since I want to get the extra hours. Chanyeol is taking me out to watch movies._

_11 May 2013_

_Jongdae made me draw him as a dinosaur._

_13 May 2013_

_I dreamed about Jongin. He was sleeping next to me. I wanted to ask him if he took his medicines, but then I remembered. Because of that, I spent the whole day thinking about him and I forgot to do my chores. I didn’t tell anyone why._

Kyungsoo checks the drawings. They are few and mostly drawn on the sketchbook’s paper. He touches them. Jongdae as a dinosaur, people on the bus stop, a girl smiling… Jongin’s old converse that he used like a sandal. The sea… and fishes inside it.

A big, realistic drawing of a whale in the sky.

 

Kyungsoo keeps reading. This one has way more content. He checks the last page and the last entry is from 2015 – this is probably the last journal he had before he bought the one he uses now. He keeps finding whales, fish and Jongin’s shoes, small drawings everywhere, but there’s nothing weird written on it.

He finds something in the last pages.

 

_07 October 2015_

_Today wasn’t a good day because I couldn’t get much sleep. I dreamed about my grandpa last night… It was a nightmare, to be sincere. I could see him dying in a cold bed and there was nothing I could do. I stood by him the whole night and his body started to decompose. I couldn’t get out of the chair, no matter how I tried. His eyes became liquid and dropped down his face and worms grew inside of_

“Kyungsoo!”

Kyungsoo almost falls on the ground. He looks back and it’s Chanyeol. He seems startled, too. Kyungsoo licks his lips and rubs his face.

“Can’t you just announce your presence quietly,” he sighs. “You keep startling me, it isn’t fun.”

“I was screaming your name and you couldn’t hear me,” Chanyeol says, angrily. “I can’t whisper or you’ll never hear.”

“What do you want?” Kyungsoo retorts, getting impatient.

“You said you wanted to visit Minseok,” Chanyeol says. “I’m going to see the surroundings. I can take you there…”

“Ah,” Kyungsoo relaxes. “That’s okay.”

Chanyeol passes by him and walks away, complaining loudly. Kyungsoo touches the sketchbook cover and considers taking it with him. Chanyeol comes back, holding a cup of water and starts undressing, throwing the clothes away. Kyungsoo watches him absently and he feels the need to draw. Human anatomy was a long lesson for him and he remembers how he used to watch porn while drawing, getting every detail.

“Baby,” Chanyeol calls him. Kyungsoo looks at the drawing of his back and closes the sketchbook.

Minseok is taking care of the garden when Kyungsoo arrives. He waves to Chanyeol but doesn’t stop working. Kyungsoo helps him and he gets too deep in the work.

“You really like it, huh?” Minseok smiles, taking off his dirty gloves. “Gotta have a nice garden of your own, too.”

“Chanyeol wants a modern apartment,” Kyungsoo says, dusting off his pants. He’s a bit wet from watering the flowers. “I guess not so soon. When we get more money…”

“I am rooting for you,” Minseok says. “I guess we can get inside, but we have to be quiet. Yixing is sleeping and he only has a little time to sleep due his heavy schedule back at his home. He comes here to rest.”

“Fine,” Kyungsoo smiles. “I’m not a loud person.”

Minseok guides him to his office – it’s probably the biggest room in the house, with high walls and ample balconies. It’s beige and one of the walls is taken by a full book shelf.

“Wow,” Kyungsoo says, impressed. “You have a library at home.”

“My books are somewhere,” Minseok laughs. “I can’t tell you where.”

He has a MacBook and he offers Kyungsoo a seat on a wooden, old chair. His wallpaper is his boyfriend, sitting in an expensive car. Both laugh about that but Kyungsoo thinks it’s lovely. Minseok opens a different internet browser to show him some sites.

“Here,” he points. “I use this site to offer my services.”

Kyungsoo watches everything in awe; he knows that Chanyeol and some of his friends access sites like this, but he’s still surprised by some of the content.

“You can hire people… to kill…” Kyungsoo blinks. “Is that true?”

“Probably,” Minseok shrugs. “You can do that in certain streets, too. Quite expensive.”

That wasn’t Kyungsoo’s main worry.

“Here… I guess this is our place,” Minseok says. “Accidents, car crashes, police report. _Made by two guys who worked in the police. We also buy pictures from accidents if you can give us the full information._ It’s a national site—”

“It comes with names?” Kyungsoo widens his eyes. “So… I can search for a person?”

“There’s a search bar here…” Minseok points with his finger. “So, yeah? I think so.”

Kyungsoo inspects the pictures in the main page. They have a name, date, and type of accident.

“I have a name. Can you…?”

“Yes,” Minseok nods.

“Lee Youngnam,” Kyungsoo says. “It was probably around 2012 or 2013. Car crash.”

Minseok types the name first and it shows five results. The first one is a suicide, so they skip it. The next two happened in the same year, 2016. The last two are from 2012 and 2013. Both car crashes. Minseok clicks in the first one.

“No…” Kyungsoo says. The person was alone and crashed against a building. “Not that. Maybe the other one.”

Minseok doesn’t ask for questions, just goes to the last one.

Kyungsoo’s heart skips a beat.

He looks at the pictures and there’s nothing new. It was exactly like he dreamed, just like his drawing. Every little detail.

“Oh, it’s like your drawing,” Minseok says and he doesn’t seem to be nauseated by the exposed dead bodies. “You were looking for it…?”

“Yes,” Kyungsoo gulps, looking at the screen. “I… lost the original picture.”

“Oh. I will download it then. But I can’t send it online, so I have to put it on a pen drive.”

Kyungsoo nods weakly because his voice is dying in his throat. He pretends he’s looking for more body’s pictures and watches, with no reaction, open craniums, torn legs, empty eyeballs, swollen, darkening faces, and worms.

“I attended two semesters in med school,” Minseok confesses. “I got used to seeing things like that. I was eager to learn and got my nose in many things. I don’t feel anything.”

“I don’t mind looking at this,” Kyungsoo says. “It’s just the path of nature. It’s not pleasant to look at, but it’s our destiny.”

“That’s why you draw so nicely,” Minseok smiles.

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

Kyungsoo keeps the pen drive in a safe place. Chanyeol decides to go for late night exercises and Kyungsoo goes to bed earlier. He avoids looking at the sketchbooks for a while. He takes a long bath before getting under the sheets, just in case. He doesn’t know what to think about what happened, so he just goes to bed and waits for his body to respond to the comfortable situation. Kyungsoo knows he’s not used to sleeping that much and constantly, but he wants to give himself this small treat.

He tries for a while, but he can’t – his body is in the way, but his mind can’t rest. He opens his eyes, closes them again. Tries to stay that way… he’s close.

When Kyungsoo opens his eyes again, he realizes that he left the reading lamp on. He sits on the bed and tries to move, but there’s someone sitting next to him.

“Hey,” Jongin says. It’s the adult Jongin again. Kyungsoo doesn’t move.

Jongin is using his old pajamas and the room seems a lot longer as if the walls were pushed; there’s light outside, somehow.

“Hello,” Jongin says, turning to him. He’s holding books. “I missed you.”

“I miss you,” Kyungsoo says as a reflex. He’s taken aback by how real it feels. “All the time.”

“I love you,” Jongin smiles brightly for a second or two. “But we need to talk.”

“Talk?” Kyungsoo blinks slowly, tasting every moment. “About what…?”

“This,” he shows what he’s holding. Kyungsoo was distracted – it's not booked, it’s his sketchbooks. "You need to be careful, Kyungsoo. You should throw this away.”

Jongin touches the covers very carefully. Kyungsoo looks at his hands, to the small details. He forgot… Jongin’s nails were always unkept.

“Why?” Kyungsoo frowns.

“Leave the past where it can’t harm you,” Jongin says and he seems beyond sad. “Some things shouldn’t be remembered.”

Kyungsoo feels a pain in his chest.

“Like what…?”

Jongin looks at him and moves his neck slightly to the side. Kyungsoo is so deep in his awe in seeing him like this that he takes a while to understand that Jongin was answering. Kyungsoo’s eyes follow his movement and he sees, coming from the darkest part of the room – where the light can’t reach, - a pool of blood growing in their direction. There’s a noise and a torn arm comes rolling on it. Then, pieces of glass.

Kyungsoo can’t move.

“If you see things,” Jongin whispers. “They see you back.”

Kyungsoo feels his whole body shaking and he just wants to wake up. Jongin turns to him and hugs him. It’s gentle and warm and for a second, Kyungsoo forgets that this is a nightmare.

“They can’t touch you like I can,” Jongin mumbles. “For now. But you need to let it go, Kyungsoo.”

A single eye rolls out of the dark and it stops in their direction. Kyungsoo tries to speak, but the words can’t come out. Jongin holds him tighter; the eye moves as if it can see them.

“You don’t have a bad memory,” Jongin says. “You’re consciously forgetting them. Your body is trying to protect you.”

Kyungsoo just wants to wake up. He rubs his face in Jongin’s shoulder and tries to breathe. He closes his eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s morning.

He turns his face to the side and Chanyeol is sleeping. The wind isn’t that strong, but it’s a bit cold. Kyungsoo jumps out of the bed and picks the sketchbooks, one by one. He walks to the kitchen, looks for the matchbox and takes it. He has a bit of trouble to find the alcohol in the bags, even if it’s too important.

He opens the door and stops next to the only spot with no plants at all. He could use the road, but he doesn’t want to go that far. He puts the sketchbooks on the ground and drips alcohol on the pages before setting them on fire. He does it quickly, as if he’s afraid that something will stop him. The pages burn like any other and Kyungsoo can’t shake the feeling that it’s supposed to be different.

It’s just paper burning.

“I guess we are really getting into the vintage experience,” Chanyeol says and he’s talking from the window. His shirtless chest is coming out and his hair is being caressed by the wind. “Now we are going to use fire to cook? Or just to get warm?”

Kyungsoo keeps looking up. It’s a bit surreal, somehow, the whole experience, not just the dreams.

“Burning the past,” he says. Chanyeol smiles because he loves eccentricities.

“Gonna get my marshmallows, then,” he says, disappearing inside. Kyungsoo looks back at the notebooks. When the fire extinguishes, he sets them on fire again, until he’s satisfied. Chanyeol doesn’t get the marshmallows, but he picks a mug of coffee and sits on the porch to watch Kyungsoo’s fire adventures.

“I think it’s good,” he says, leaning down to check. “I can’t read anything anymore.”

“Did you burn the drawings?” Chanyeol asks and he’s munching something. “God, that was brave.”

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo realizes. He walks back to sit next to Chanyeol. “Even the drawings. I hate them.”

“I like them,” Chanyeol says. “I mean, they were simpler than the ones you do now, but, you were always great.”

Kyungsoo wants to tell. He just doesn’t know how to start.

“I dreamed with Jongin last night,” he says quietly. “He asked me to forget the past.”

“Ah,” Chanyeol nods. “Yeah, I used to dream about him. It’s been a long time since the last one…”

Kyungsoo looks at Chanyeol, his peaceful reaction. He wouldn’t understand – Kyungsoo kept too much inside. It’s a long story to tell.

“You know,” Chanyeol says, looking at him. “It’s time for you to let yourself grieve. You never did, that’s probably why it’s hard for you to let go. I cried a river, I was deeply sad, but then I found peace. I needed to cry until the last tear to feel okay.”

Kyungsoo watches the rest of the sketchbooks in silence.

“If you just lock the pain inside, then one day you’ll end up drowning in the tears you haven’t shed,” Chanyeol continues and now he looks lost. “Burning the books is a material thing, the feelings must go too.”

Kyungsoo watches the wind carrying the dust. Chanyeol is probably right.

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

Minseok types so fast that Kyungsoo can’t follow his movements.

“So, he found a Japanese class around?” Minseok smiles, still typing. He put a vase of flowers next to his laptop and it smells good. Kyungsoo looks down at his hibiscus tea, red as blood. Tiny waves as he moves the mug.

“He asked an old guy to teach him,” Kyungsoo says. “The man is ninety years old, but he knows to do calligraphy very well.”

Minseok snorts and his fingers don’t stop.

“That Chanyeol,” he mumbles. “I don’t know how you two live together so well. He looks restless, too fast and you look so calm.”

The floor is so clean, even with the weird weather.

“I’m restless too,” Kyungsoo says. “When I’m working. I’m just trying to enjoy the calm waves.”

“I see.”

“Are you sure I’m not bothering you?” Kyungsoo asks.

“No,” Minseok says simply. “I actually work faster when you’re around. You bring inspiration.”

Kyungsoo smiles and gets comfortable in the chair. He didn’t want to be alone in that house after the nightmare and he felt calm around Minseok. They can be in silence for a long time without stressing each other about starting a conversation and Kyungsoo appreciates that.

“Minseok,” the door opens. It’s Yixing and he’s fully dressed. Kyungsoo fixes his position in his chair. “Oh, hi, Kyungsoo. I didn’t notice Minseok had a guest.”

“Hello,” Kyungsoo says politely. Minseok stops typing for the first time, looking up at his friend.

“It’s about the delivery,” Yixing says leaning his head. “And the distribution.”

“Oh,” Minseok closes the laptop. “Kyungsoo, do you mind if I leave the room for a moment?”

“No, not at all,” Kyungsoo smiles. “I’ll be here.”

Kyungsoo sips his tea and relaxes. He’s not in a hurry, no matter how his mind is always screaming that he should be doing something productive. He stares at the ceiling for a while and tries to calm down.

A tiny ‘meow’ draws his attention.

“Hello, Tan,” Kyungsoo smiles. “How are you?”

They answer with a tiny meow, sitting with their legs spread to lick themselves.

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo smiles. “I know.”

Kyungsoo looks at the cat – their fluffy fur and beautiful eyes. He wants to have a pet too. It feels like it’s a nice company and Chanyeol wouldn’t say no, but they can’t have cats since Chanyeol is allergic to them. Maybe a dog or two.

“Hey, Tan,” Kyungsoo says, snapping his fingers repeatedly. “Come here…”

Tan doesn’t give him any attention for a while, so Kyungsoo gives up and just drinks his tea. Tan starts walking to him, seeming uninterested, looks up and emits a tiny ‘meow’. Kyungsoo looks down and he tries to touch the cat, but they move to the side. Tan isn’t exactly looking at him, but to space next to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo checks it to see if there is any insect there but finds nothing.

“Hey,” Minseok comes back. “Yixing is hungry, do you want to eat pizza?”

Kyungsoo looks at him, a bit confused then nods.

“Yes.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

 

Chanyeol makes long lines using the brush and Kyungsoo observes from the couch. Kyungsoo isn’t worried about the floor getting dirty, because he put solvent on it, just in case, even if Chanyeol spread paper everywhere to avoid the mess. It’s nice to watch him so focused.

“What does that mean?”

“Sea,” Chanyeol says, happy. His dimple shows and his shirt is tainted. “That’s one of my favorites. It’s cute, huh?”

“It is,” Kyungsoo mumbles. It’s getting cold and he wants to watch a movie, but he’s trying not to fall in his habitual hole. He doesn’t want to go to bed alone and also doesn’t want to interrupt Chanyeol.

“Did you burn your current journal too?” Chanyeol asks. He’s admiring his own work.

“Yes,” Kyungsoo says. “I wasn’t doing great on that comic, anyway. I’ll start from zero.”

“Nice,” Chanyeol nods, distracted. Kyungsoo isn’t in the mood to draw – he likes when he has plenty of time, when he can get immersed in the story, to picture every detail. In a couple of hours, they will sleep. “How about the ones on the table?”

Kyungsoo looks at him and he feels afraid. There’s chill down his spine until he turns his head and realizes that Chanyeol is actually talking about the old books.

“You mean the books?” Kyungsoo says weakly.

“Yeah, yeah, those paper stuff,” he whispers dismissively. “Will you read them?”

It’s actually a nice suggestion.

Kyungsoo leaves the couch and goes sitting in the table to check the covers. He wasn’t very interested before; now he reads the titles and analyzes the state of conservation.

“They’re Agatha Christie books,” Kyungsoo announces. “Pretty old.”

“Wow,” Chanyeol says, loud. “At least they’re fun.”

“Wait,” Kyungsoo whispers. “One isn’t.”

Kyungsoo looks at the book and doesn’t recognize the name of the author. He passes the pages and concludes it’s a fiction. He’s not a big fan of crimes, but he decides to read the Agatha Christie books first.

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

Kyungsoo reads the four Agatha Christie books in two days. Chanyeol complains because he’s not getting enough attention, but they’re really fun and short. Kyungsoo appreciates simple readings and he gets inspired to draw a small mystery comic. It takes him more than just one day and Kyungsoo suddenly forgets the time in inspiration and the chores and cleaning. He’s having a tranquil sleep time, no nightmares or disturbances. Every time he wakes up and sees the morning light and Chanyeol next to him, Kyungsoo gets sure that he’s happy. That’s the peace that he has always wanted; his batteries are being charged to start a new life.

He drinks coffee sitting on the porch and watches how the morning rain had erased the rest of the sketchbooks. Chanyeol is running around, exercising and declaiming words that Kyungsoo can’t understand. He speaks fast and sometimes he mixes with English without noticing and Kyungsoo appreciates how he’s happy to learn new things.

Kyungsoo gets tired of watching him running in circles and goes back inside. He keeps the book in the same place that he found and stares at the unknown book.

Well, he has nothing to do besides drawing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol says.

Kyungsoo blinks and looks at him. He’s wet and he has a towel around his waist.

“Yes?” Kyungsoo moves his legs and they’re tingling. He spent too much time in the same position.

“You’ve been reading the whole day,” Chanyeol pouts. “Come to bed with me.”

Kyungsoo blinks – it’s night. He didn’t even notice that Chanyeol had turned on the lights; he thought he was just reading for a couple of hours. He touches his stomach.

“I… will eat something, then I’ll go to bed,” Kyungsoo mumbles. “Sorry, I lost track of the time.”

“Okay,” Chanyeol nods and walks away, leaving a trail of water steps. Kyungsoo goes to the kitchen and makes a simple sandwich; they need to buy real food. They can’t complain about not having time for it anymore. He eats and thinks about the book.

A simple story about a famous personality that writes a biography after dying and seeing that his parents told lies about him. It was quite interesting, mostly because the person used real people to create the plot; that’s probably the reason why they chose such a terrible cover and artistic name. Certainly, it wasn’t a best seller.

He followed Chanyeol’s steps upstairs and goes straight to the room. It’s dark and Kyungsoo stops in the door, looking for the interrupter. He rubs the wall and stares at Chanyeol’s figure in the bed. Both sides of the bed are moving and Kyungsoo’s heart beat faster when the lights are on.

Chanyeol is laying with a bunch of pillows.

“Ah,” Kyungsoo breathes out. Chanyeol rolls in the bed and looks at him and Kyungsoo can’t feel relaxed, for a reason.

“Did you eat?” Chanyeol rubs his face.

“Yes,” Kyungsoo says and his voice is almost a whisper.

“Come here, then,” Chanyeol opens his arms like a hug. Kyungsoo needs a moment before moving and he doesn’t turn the lights off. He just goes to Chanyeol, falling on his arms. Chanyeol hugs him and kisses him and Kyungsoo can’t react immediately. There’s something, someone…

 

 

 

At least he gets sleepy.

 

 

 

 

 

Kyungsoo is in the pool. He can’t see the walls. It’s an infinite pool. The water is getting dark, but not too much. Kyungsoo looks down and he knows there’s no floor. There’s something coming.

 

It’s the whale. A huge, black whale, just like the one he was drawing. The huge eyes staring at him. Kyungsoo closes his eyes and float.

The water around him gets darker, redder, but he just floats, knowing there something watching him, ready to strike.

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

“Do you want an interpretation or something?” Chanyeol asks, getting dressed. It’s just enough to go do groceries, so his bedroom hair isn’t a problem. He just puts on sneakers. “Like, about the whale or the pool?”

Kyungsoo is staring at him, but the light is strong on his eyes and he feels too tired even to see completely. He just nods – he told Chanyeol because he couldn’t keep such a drawing, confusing dream to himself. Nothing makes sense to him anymore. He had to share with his partner, at least.

“Being watched is like when you’re keeping something, like a secret,” Chanyeol says, looking for his wallet and keys. “And the pool… hmmm, you weren’t drowning?”

“I was floating,” Kyungsoo answers. “It had no border.”

“Hmmm, I know that when you’re drowning, you feel like you don’t have a choice and you’re being taken. So I guess if you’re floating, you’re okay?” He smiles gently. “It means that you’re not going too deep. Or maybe it’s because I’m writing a lot of sea words. You can’t find whales in pools, rights?”

“It was staring,” Kyungsoo blinks.

“Baby,” Chanyeol walks to him, sitting in bed. “It was just a nightmare. You need to stop reading those crimes books. I mean, you’re even drawing those stuff. Of course, you won’t have nice dreams.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t answer; he just looks for Chanyeol’s hand and holds it.

“Minseok is all alone now Yixing left,” Chanyeol says. “Don’t you want to stay with him today? I can do the groceries on my own. I got the list.”

Kyungsoo nods.

 

 

Chanyeol leaves him at the door and doesn’t stop to talk to Minseok. He doesn’t want disturb Minseok, probably. Minseok is always very welcoming, after all. Kyungsoo stays at the garden and he notices that the door is open.

He walks in slowly. There are shoes on the door, smashed at the back. Kyungsoo looks around, but he can’t find Minseok in the living room or kitchen. He hears the typing noise and walks upstairs to his office. The door is open and Tan is laying near it.

“Hey, Tan,” Kyungsoo bends to pet the cat’s head. “How are you, friend?”

Tan doesn’t react to the caress; instead, the cat keeps looking inside with big eyes.

“Is your owner home?” Kyungsoo comes in. Minseok is in his usual spot, near the balcony on the table, typing. He’s not using pants, just a long and baggy underwear and Kyungsoo feels a bit unsure if he should come in. Maybe the reason why Minseok didn’t answer was that he wasn’t dressed properly.

“Come and sit, Kyungsoo,” he says, typing nonstop. His voice is a bit different than usual, deeper, as if his throat is sore. Kyungsoo comes in and sits in the corner of the long seat. Minseok is typing even faster than the normal, maybe because he’s using glasses.

“I didn’t want to interrupt you,” he says and he feels the smell of hot chocolate. There’s a big, white mug next to Minseok’s arm. “I just came to say hello.”

Minseok stops typing – that startles Kyungsoo. He turns to him, taking off the glasses and placing it next to the mug.

“I was waiting for you,” he says, pushing his hair back. Kyungsoo is nervous; maybe it’s the impression of the dream, but Minseok’s posture, body, and even his eyes aren’t the same. Yet, his gaze is gentle, as if he was truly missing Kyungsoo.

“The last days were… different,” Kyungsoo mumbles. “I got caught in few things and had no time…”

“That’s okay,” he says. “I was busy too.”

“Oh, you’re writing…” Kyungsoo nods. “And Yixing left.”

“Yes, a few days ago, now I can finally see you properly,” Minseok says, leaning his head. “You’re the only thing keeping me here, Kyungsoo. I need you to figure out why.”

Kyungsoo stares at Minseok.

“What?”

Minseok stands up and his posture is different. He’s squinting his shoulder as if he’s trying to be smaller. He walks and sits next to Kyungsoo.

“Everyone already said goodbye, but not you,” his voice is deep, but low. “What do you want from me?”

Kyungsoo looks in his eyes – Minseok isn’t acting normally. It’s like he’s acting, pretending to be someone else. Kyungsoo tries to put a space between them, but Minseok holds his arm and rubs it.

“Ah,” he sighs. “I missed this. I missed you.”

Kyungsoo skips a breath. He can’t move, but his mind visits every corner. The cat. The shoes. The glasses. The hot chocolate.  

No.

“Stop,” Kyungsoo tries to move his arm. “This isn’t funny.”

“No, it’s not,” Minseok says and now Kyungsoo can’t stop seeing the small details, how he smiles and how his gaze is heavy. “My time is ticking, Kyungsoo. I don’t have much time.”

“No,” Kyungsoo says weakly. He’s feeling dizzy and his throat is dry. “Stop.”

“Kyungsoo,” he says. “It’s me.”

“No,” Kyungsoo tries to move away, but he holds his other arm.

“Minseok is okay with this,” he says softly. “It’s a part of the deal.”

“Please, let me go,” Kyungsoo is feeling weak – it’s been years since he felt like that. “Please.”

“I told you,” he says. “You’re the one keeping me here.”

Kyungsoo is crying. He only notices when he feels the tear dripping down his chin. This can’t be possible; it’s just another nightmare. Jongin pulls him into a hug and Kyungsoo lets himself be moved.

“I missed you,” Kyungsoo says, trembling.

“I know,” Jongin holds him tighter. “I’m here because of that. You keep nosing your memories, Kyungsoo. This is dangerous, I told you.”

“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo whispers pressing his face in his shoulder. “I burned the journals, but I keep… I keep having nightmares.”

“Everything you swallow stays inside of you,” Jongin says gently, rubbing his back. “Call Jongdae, Baekhyun. You’ll be okay. They need you, too.”

It feels so real that Kyungsoo cries harder, his fingers grabbing Jongin’s shirt. How can Kyungsoo let it go? This is so hard.

“I love you,” Kyungsoo says. “I loved you so much.”

“I love you too,” Jongin whispers and Kyungsoo can hear his smile. “But you and everything here are past for me, so I should be the same for you.”

“No,” Kyungsoo repeats. Jongin loosens his hold enough to looks at Kyungsoo’s face.

“I have things to do,” Jongin looks around. “But then I’ll go and it’s over. I can’t be around you or anyone anymore. I’ll go somewhere. Far from here.”

Kyungsoo holds his face and kisses him. It’s simple, almost a test. Jongin kisses him back slightly, and Kyungsoo now is sure it’s him. He touches Jongin’s face—not _his_ face, but his face.

“What am I going to do?” Kyungsoo mumbles. Jongin touches Kyungsoo’s hand over his face. Kyungsoo kisses him again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

**ACT II**

 

 

 

Chanyeol can’t understand, but that’s understandable.

“We still have few days,” he complains. “Why we should leave now?”

Kyungsoo, sitting in bed, can’t explain why. He’s scared, but running away won’t solve his problems. He stares at the window.

“We’re not going to figure out things here,” Kyungsoo says, rubbing the sheets. “Only when we get to see real life outside, that’s when we will face our problems and possibilities.”

“Yeah, babe, I know,” the light of the laptop on his lap is the only thing that makes Kyungsoo see his face. “But I’m not in a hurry. I thought you were enjoying our vacations.”

“I am,” Kyungsoo says weakly.

“Is it because of the nightmares?”

“Not exactly,” Kyungsoo answers. “I feel like we’re wasting time.”

“You’re feeling like that because you’re used to feeling this way,” Chanyeol says gently. “Just do what you want to do. We’ll leave in less than a week, anyway.”

Kyungsoo nods, because maybe he’s just… freaking out. He doesn’t like to argue if he has no arguments, anyway. He sits to read the book downstairs and he finishes it almost three in the morning.

He’s not sleepy; maybe he doesn’t want to sleep, after everything.

Kyungsoo walks slowly to the door and opens it. He takes the phone out of his pocket and enjoys the heavy wind on his face. He sits on the porch.

His fingers move on the screen. He calls a friend.

“ _Hello,_ ” says the sleepy voice. It’s a lie. Jongdae never sleeps before 3 a.m.

“Hello,” Kyungsoo smiles.

“ _I was scared when I read the name,_ ” he giggles and Kyungsoo feels immediately better. “ _You sure know how to surprise me.”_

“Thank you. How are you, are you working right now?”

“ _Yes, am I that predictable?_ ” He giggles again. “ _I’m good. How about you? I mean, Chanyeol always says that you’re good, but I don’t know if I should believe him. He’s a bit oblivious sometimes._ ”

“I’m good. I could be better, but I can’t complain,” Kyungsoo looks at his own feet and then to the darkness around him.

“ _This is your problem, you never complain._ ”

“I wouldn’t call you late at night to complain.”

“ _I know. But what did you call me for, then?”_

“I miss you, of course.”

“ _Not that I doubt it, because I sure miss you too, my friend, but I have a feeling that is more than that, you see?”_

Kyungsoo watches the brutal dark sky. He thinks about what he’s going to say.

“I have something to ask,” he announces. “Do you remember when we were in school and I used to draw?”

“ _Don’t you draw anymore?_ ”

“I do. I was just looking into old sketchbooks and I can’t remember why I drew some things. I know you have a good memory, unlike me.”

“ _Ahhh,_ ” Jongdae nods. “ _I do remember, yes. You wrote some journals, right? That was cute.”_

“Shut up,” Kyungsoo complains and he laughs on the side of the line. He’s still a joker. “Could you remember why I would draw whales?”

“ _Whales?_ ” Jongdae makes a thinking sound. “ _Well, I remember you used to draw your dreams after you wake up because you ended up forgetting them during the day. That and the drawing of us, of course._ ”

“Ah,” Kyungsoo sighs. “I see.”

“ _Did you seriously call me to talk about whales?”_ Jongdae laughs. “ _At least isn’t bad news.”_

“Do you have bad news?” Kyungsoo asks sincerely. Jongdae stays in silence for a while.

“ _Not about me. I guess since we’re all friends and you’re discreet, maybe… Just don’t tell Chanyeol, right? He can’t keep a secret.”_

“Listening.”

_“I think Baekhyun is sad again. He keeps asking me to do stuff and canceling it just an hour before or so. He sends me messages late at night. That’s why I thought that you were calling me because… you’re sad or anything.”_

“I’m not sad,” Kyungsoo says. “But he’s a busy man. I understand that he may feel lonely and have no time to hang out, living the life he lives.”

“ _Does he buy expensive gifts for you too?”_

“He gave Chanyeol money to buy a car. Chanyeol bought a truck. A 4x4 truck.”

Jongdae explodes in laughs and Kyungsoo smiles. It’s sad, but fun. They both know he’s doing that out of guilt, but it’s still fun.

“ _He offered me his old apartment. When I refused, he sent me money,_ ” Jongdae says. “ _That was cute, though. You and Chanyeol going around in a truck. You must look like a child.”_

“Don’t make me hang off,” Kyungsoo spits. “It was nice, but he only did it because he could deal with Chanyeol. Lately, he’s been avoiding me.”

“ _Not a surprise. We know that he thinks that you don’t like him since he decided to be an idol again. And it’s not like we can’t buy your affection. He can buy mine, I’m an easy dude.”_

“I don’t hate him or anything. I just thought it wasn’t good for him,” Kyungsoo says and that’s it. They will always stumble on Jongin. “I don’t think it was insensitive and even if I did, why me? Chanyeol was always against it too. Junmyeon tried to stop him. I wasn’t—”

“ _So, you’re not talking about it yet,_ ” Jongdae says casually.

“About what,” Kyungsoo asks breathlessly.

“ _You and Jongin, Kyungsoo. I mean, we all knew it. We know it. That’s the reason Baekhyun avoids you and not anyone else, besides Jongin’s family.”_

Kyungsoo stays in silence for about a minute, but they can listen to each other’s breaths.

“There’s nothing to talk about anymore…” Kyungsoo says and he feels an urge to cry.

“ _So, you really called me to talk about whales?”_ Kyungsoo can hear Jongdae’s smile as he talks. _“I listened to everyone, Kyungsoo. I don’t know. They wanted to talk to me. I listened. I can listen to you too.”_

Kyungsoo lets the tears roll down his face before he speaks.

“I always look at the door when I get into places. It’s unconsciously. He was always inside of my house when I got home late. The shoes… he never put it right on his feet. It was always a bit smashed in the back. He slept in my bed, because he has no energy to stand,” the words come out without any effort. “He was seventeen. He was always feverish. I don’t ever remember a day where he wasn’t exhausted or burning. I never did a thing—”

“ _No one did. We were kids._ ”

“He trusted me. He told me many times that his heart wasn’t beating very fast, but he laughed and then he worked hard again,” Kyungsoo says. “Sometimes I am a bit annoyed by Baekhyun’s success. Jongin tried too hard and lost his life… I feel like no one should succeed after he failed, but I know I’m being selfish. I know I shouldn’t think like that, but… it’s not fair.”

“ _No, no it’s not,_ ” Jongdae says gently.

“He confessed to me just a month before,” Kyungsoo whispers – maybe the spirits are listening. “He wrote a letter. It had cute drawings on it. When he died, I threw it in the toilet and flushed it.”

“ _Did you accept his feelings?”_

“Yes,” Kyungsoo nods and he feels weak and light. “I did. I used to hold his hand under the table when we were at the coffee shop. We were… kids. Yet he was so passionate about showing his true self.”

“ _Yes, he was._ ”

“I keep dreaming about him. He’s older and different. Oh, yeah, also the whales.”

“ _I think you should ask a specialist about this whale situation,”_ Jongdae says, a bit concerned and Kyungsoo can’t help but laugh. He tastes his tears. “ _What?”_

“Thank you,” Kyungsoo says. “I owe you.”

“ _Really, that’s all?_ ”

“Yes. That’s all.”

“ _Ok, so do me a favor._ ”

“Yes.”

“ _It’s been a long time since I’ve heard your voice. Can you sing for me? I bet it would help me here._ ”

Kyungsoo closes his eyes and sings.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

**INTERLUDE**

_Dr. Kim,_

_My name is Do Kyungsoo and a friend of mine sent me your work about images, myths and the subconscious. I’m not a psychanalyst or a student, nor I want you to give me a free session of your work. It’s just that I’ve read in your book about marine animals as a possible representation of phobias, parents or wild things and I’m aware of the fish/fetus relation as the Freudians accept, but I wonder if that includes whales. I keep dreaming of an enormous whale in a pool with me and all it does is stare at me. Should I consider the interpretation above? I’m sorry if this is somewhat offensive. I’m in a transition right now and I can’t fully pay attention to this matter, but I would love to have a specialist opinion._

_With gratitude,_

_Do Kyungsoo._

_Hello Kyungsoo,_

_It’s always nice to me to hear that my work is inspiring people to study. I hope you keep your interest even after this (possible) answer. Well, first, whales aren’t fish, they’re mammals, like us, so they’re a bit different – especially because of the size. Did you know that their Roman name come from a mythical sea monster? They must have been nightmares to the old people, indeed. Imagine something so big, so ancient and deadly, calmingly living under the sea, where the adventurers couldn’t see unless their surfaced? The whale was seeing as something ready to swallow: a monster ready to strike. In your dream this immense being is locked in… a pool? With you? It must be yours, then. They aren’t aggressive beings, but a pool is no place to an animal that big. I don’t know you, but you must look pretty small next to it. I guess you should ask yourself if you’re keeping a huge monster where you can’t escape or if you’re domesticating something that eventually can eat you._

_Hope it helps!_

_Dr. Kim._

****

**ACT III**

****

Kyungsoo only remembers that the apartment is in one of the most popular streets when Chanyeol opens the door of his tiny office. It’s sound proof, mostly because Chanyeol likes loud music and Kyungsoo needs silence to draw.

Kyungsoo turns back at the sound. Normally, he just let Chanyeol wander around and leave, but Chanyeol picked two shifts during the weekend and he must be missing Kyungsoo.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo says, turning the chair. Chanyeol looks a bit red and tired; they sold the truck to be more comfortable and have more money. Now, they walk way more – Kyungsoo lost weight and Chanyeol dropped the gym temporarily.

“Hey,” Chanyeol sits on his chair, taking off his hat with one hand. “Got something for you.”

Kyungsoo pulls the chair by moving his body and Chanyeol places his feet over Kyungsoo’s.

“What is it?” Kyungsoo asks and he finally notices that Chanyeol is holding a package— a box. “Oh.”

“It’s from China,” Chanyeol says quietly. “I thought it was for me, but no. Got your name on it.”

Kyungsoo picks the box and checks the name – Do Kyungsoo. They’re living there for few months and they hardly get any mail besides bills. Only their close friends visited the apartment.

“I don’t know anyone in China, I guess,” Kyungsoo looks at Chanyeol – his living memory. “Do I?”

“Yes, babe,” he laughs and he looks tired. “We had few classmates, not anyone too close. Oh, Yixing too. I… I mean, I guess he wouldn’t—”

“That’s okay,” Kyungsoo assures him. Since Kyungsoo left without visiting Minseok, Chanyeol is afraid to talk about anything related to him. Kyungsoo explained that he and Minseok were in good terms and Kyungsoo was just avoiding attachment.

“I think it’s a book, by the shape of it…” Chanyeol says in a quiet voice. Kyungsoo picks one scissor and opens it carefully. It’s a book; a green cover with the title name written in big, white letters.

“ _Do not forget my name,”_ Kyungsoo read out loud. “Yes, it’s a book. The name of the writer… I can’t remember… it seems familiar.”

“Let me see,” Chanyeol takes the book from Kyungsoo’s hands. “Xiumin. Ah, isn’t the same author from the book you kept reading at the rent house?”

“Yes,” Kyungsoo nods. “Yes, you’re right. It’s the same name. Why would someone send me another book…? Are you mocking me?”

“Me?” Chanyeol points to himself, smiling. “No way. Last time I got into a book store was a long time ago. I didn’t do this.”

Kyungsoo stands up and turns on the rest of the lights in the small room. He stands behind Chanyeol to read with him.

“What’s written in the back?”

“Huh, there’s some warning here… oh, thank god, at least one part has a translation,” Chanyeol coughs. “ _The new book from author Xiumin. This is not to be commercialized publicly. It contains death, trauma, and homosexuality._ Wow. A good read.”

“I can’t read the book,” Kyungsoo frowns. “This must have been a mistake. Is there something else we can read, expect the title?”

“They have the synopsis in Japanese too,” Chanyeol points. It’s hard for Kyungsoo to understand. The back of the books is just lots of words in many dialects he can’t understand. Chanyeol points to the Japanese phrases, but Kyungsoo can’t read.

“I think we should return it,” Kyungsoo says.

“ _This is a real story,_ ” Chanyeol starts to read, ignoring Kyungsoo. “ _About a boy that worked too hard and couldn’t achieve his dreams. Now he can talk about what he felt since he passed away._ ”

“It’s a recurrent theme,” Kyungsoo says immediately and then he realizes.

“I don’t like it,” Chanyeol says, disgusted, obviously getting the resemblance. “It’s not a nice joke.”

“Throw this away,” Kyungsoo pleads. “Now.”

Chanyeol looks at him and he seems to understand.

“Sorry, I should have checked first.”

“No,” Kyungsoo says. “It’s fine. I think I… understand something.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**PROLOGUE**

He has the dream in the same night. It’s been a long time since the last one. He doesn’t see dead bodies or spirits. He doesn’t dream. But in that night, the same pool, the same feeling; instead of floating, he turns his body completely and looks down.

It’s terrifying. It’s dark red, deep, bottomless.

The whale stares at him with its small, dark eyes.

Kyungsoo stares back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
